About to walk inside tonight after a night out, the veranda light is off, and I'm feeling a little bit tired as it's past my bed time. Anyway, I was just going through the usual routine, walk around the corner while fondling through my pocket, attempting to pull my keys out. Not really paying attention to what I'm doing, because I've done it before, a million times, it's just the same old routine.
But sometimes, there's something that changes the routine, something which at first seems so insignificant that you just play it off as a trick of the light, but was it? Was it the light, or just this once was there something out of the usual, something that might change your routine... So just as I'm about to put my key in the door I notice something that's not meant to be there... Right in my fucking face...
I jumped about 2 meters, startled as all hell, and screamed like a girl, turned the veranda light on in order to confront this vision which I had hoped was just an illusion... And then I see it, the "trick" of the light which is more hairy than tricky. Right there, right in front of my face there's a huge spider sitting bang at head height in the middle of the doorway!! The thing, legs out, was slightly larger than a credit card... I specifically used a credit card as an example because it's legs were sprawled out in front and behind so all up it was rectangular shape! And it wasn't all legs, it had a large, but slender body... They type of spider you see in the park and admire from a distance, but thank god they never come home! Tonight, I wasn't so lucky...
Now, I have a completely irrational fear of spiders. Not to say that you shouldn't be afraid of spiders, because there are many that can make you quite ill, especially here in Australia... But my fear is in no way proportional to the level of danger that most spiders pose, as in, if I see a spider I freeze up, anxious, clammy, panicked, and am too riddled with fear to act - which is quite absurd to think about retrospectively. Especially considering the size difference (relatively speaking, I'm quite large compared to a spider!), and then even more so, because it's actually the spiders you DON'T see that are the ones to bite you... Not the ones you DO see.
So after screaming like a little bitch, and my girlfriend in the car about to head home after dropping me off asking if she needed to get out of the car to kill it for me, I manned up the courage and squished that little (relatively speaking) bastard!! I slammed my thong (jandal/sandal/flip flop for the foreigners) on the bastard so hard, and with such a rage that I could hear it's plump abdomen bursting!
But this is the thing with the larger spiders...Because he was so big, it didn't actually squish completely - and a confrontation like this calls for no less than the complete obliteration of this arachnid from the face of the earth!! So I had to sandwich the bastard in between both thongs and rub them together... Rubbing them together, laughing mannicly in order to distract myself from the anxiety attack I so narrowly avoided, listening to the crunching and squishing sounds emanating from my thongs to validate myself and my emancipation from the spider that wouldn't let my into my house...
I wiped it's soggy remains on the brick wall, clearing my thongs of the filth and cleansing myself of the experience, and walked into my home, victorious, although slightly more cautious than before.
Tonight... I conquered my fear, and became slightly more of a man... but only slightly as I still squealed like a bitch.
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