About to walk inside tonight after a night out, the veranda light is off, and I'm feeling a little bit tired as it's past my bed time. Anyway, I was just going through the usual routine, walk around the corner while fondling through my pocket, attempting to pull my keys out. Not really paying attention to what I'm doing, because I've done it before, a million times, it's just the same old routine.
But sometimes, there's something that changes the routine, something which at first seems so insignificant that you just play it off as a trick of the light, but was it? Was it the light, or just this once was there something out of the usual, something that might change your routine... So just as I'm about to put my key in the door I notice something that's not meant to be there... Right in my fucking face...
I jumped about 2 meters, startled as all hell, and screamed like a girl, turned the veranda light on in order to confront this vision which I had hoped was just an illusion... And then I see it, the "trick" of the light which is more hairy than tricky. Right there, right in front of my face there's a huge spider sitting bang at head height in the middle of the doorway!! The thing, legs out, was slightly larger than a credit card... I specifically used a credit card as an example because it's legs were sprawled out in front and behind so all up it was rectangular shape! And it wasn't all legs, it had a large, but slender body... They type of spider you see in the park and admire from a distance, but thank god they never come home! Tonight, I wasn't so lucky...
Now, I have a completely irrational fear of spiders. Not to say that you shouldn't be afraid of spiders, because there are many that can make you quite ill, especially here in Australia... But my fear is in no way proportional to the level of danger that most spiders pose, as in, if I see a spider I freeze up, anxious, clammy, panicked, and am too riddled with fear to act - which is quite absurd to think about retrospectively. Especially considering the size difference (relatively speaking, I'm quite large compared to a spider!), and then even more so, because it's actually the spiders you DON'T see that are the ones to bite you... Not the ones you DO see.
So after screaming like a little bitch, and my girlfriend in the car about to head home after dropping me off asking if she needed to get out of the car to kill it for me, I manned up the courage and squished that little (relatively speaking) bastard!! I slammed my thong (jandal/sandal/flip flop for the foreigners) on the bastard so hard, and with such a rage that I could hear it's plump abdomen bursting!
But this is the thing with the larger spiders...Because he was so big, it didn't actually squish completely - and a confrontation like this calls for no less than the complete obliteration of this arachnid from the face of the earth!! So I had to sandwich the bastard in between both thongs and rub them together... Rubbing them together, laughing mannicly in order to distract myself from the anxiety attack I so narrowly avoided, listening to the crunching and squishing sounds emanating from my thongs to validate myself and my emancipation from the spider that wouldn't let my into my house...
I wiped it's soggy remains on the brick wall, clearing my thongs of the filth and cleansing myself of the experience, and walked into my home, victorious, although slightly more cautious than before.
Tonight... I conquered my fear, and became slightly more of a man... but only slightly as I still squealed like a bitch.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I can't be arsed (aka. I'm not that deep)...
I can't be arsed.
A great piece Australian slang which means I can't be bothered. Now, it's an interesting phrase, but like many great slogans, the etymology of this one alludes me.
What I can't be bothered with is blogging. Every time I sit down, open up the page and begin typing, by the time I'm a couple of lines in I start to doubt the validity of my opinion, and feel that I must do research to actually have some basis for my arguments, and to me this sounds too much like work.
I suppose this is the result of many years at university, tirelessly slaving away in the library looking for that one author who has said everything I had before me so that my argument might have some academic foundation (because in academia originality is discouraged...). But the thing with blogging is, that if someone else has said it before me, why the hell should I go about spending all my time retyping and paraphrasing it for you.
At one stage I thought that I might try to actually make some money from my opinion, and that the advertisements which Google put on my blog would end up being some kind of long term investment. But like a corrupt politician I enlisted my friends to click on the adds at least 5 times a day in order to turn my blog into a job. Unfortunately, Google didn't get rich by paying morons like me to abuse their systems... So that dream for the blog died rather quickly.
I had hoped from the very beginning, that this blog would in some ways be a call to arms to the wider populace of the internet, calling for a new age of enlightenment, of civil and moral awareness. But what I realised shortly after was that people don't read blogs that force you to think, or more importantly force you to act.
The blog is the text based soap opera, and perhaps the problem is I don't watch enough soaps to be able to write in such a way that would appeal to the average internet user. And the people who read my blog (all five of you dedicated subscribers - whom I adore) aren't the ones I need to reach, because you are all like me and probably feel the same injustices I feel, and are aware of the same social issues that I'm aware of.
So, why should I bother writing, hell, why am I even bothering to write a blog about how little I care for blogging. It seems a little self serving to say the least. Well, I suppose that's the root of it. I began the blog because I wasn't happy with the world and wanted to do something about it, in order for it to fit my idea of how it should operate. Which is very selfish and completely unrealistic, regardless of how right I was. But isn't that what everyone does to some extent? Isn't that what makes man different from animals, in that we make the world to suit us rather than change to suit the world. Could it be that my selfishness is really just a manifestation of human evolution now affecting my psyche?
So I suppose, that although I may have had all these profound statements over the last year of blogging (or very few for that matter) I'm not actually that deep, or not as deep as I thought I was...
I can't be arsed with blogging, but I'll probably continue to be as infrequent a blogger as I ever have in the past... I guess at least going forward I wont be clouded with misguided ideas that my posts will actually have some form of dramatic impact on those who read them.
There is no moral today, there is no deep and meaningful message to take away from this entry. Just the tired rant of a pathetically hopeless blogger.
A great piece Australian slang which means I can't be bothered. Now, it's an interesting phrase, but like many great slogans, the etymology of this one alludes me.
What I can't be bothered with is blogging. Every time I sit down, open up the page and begin typing, by the time I'm a couple of lines in I start to doubt the validity of my opinion, and feel that I must do research to actually have some basis for my arguments, and to me this sounds too much like work.
I suppose this is the result of many years at university, tirelessly slaving away in the library looking for that one author who has said everything I had before me so that my argument might have some academic foundation (because in academia originality is discouraged...). But the thing with blogging is, that if someone else has said it before me, why the hell should I go about spending all my time retyping and paraphrasing it for you.
At one stage I thought that I might try to actually make some money from my opinion, and that the advertisements which Google put on my blog would end up being some kind of long term investment. But like a corrupt politician I enlisted my friends to click on the adds at least 5 times a day in order to turn my blog into a job. Unfortunately, Google didn't get rich by paying morons like me to abuse their systems... So that dream for the blog died rather quickly.
I had hoped from the very beginning, that this blog would in some ways be a call to arms to the wider populace of the internet, calling for a new age of enlightenment, of civil and moral awareness. But what I realised shortly after was that people don't read blogs that force you to think, or more importantly force you to act.
The blog is the text based soap opera, and perhaps the problem is I don't watch enough soaps to be able to write in such a way that would appeal to the average internet user. And the people who read my blog (all five of you dedicated subscribers - whom I adore) aren't the ones I need to reach, because you are all like me and probably feel the same injustices I feel, and are aware of the same social issues that I'm aware of.
So, why should I bother writing, hell, why am I even bothering to write a blog about how little I care for blogging. It seems a little self serving to say the least. Well, I suppose that's the root of it. I began the blog because I wasn't happy with the world and wanted to do something about it, in order for it to fit my idea of how it should operate. Which is very selfish and completely unrealistic, regardless of how right I was. But isn't that what everyone does to some extent? Isn't that what makes man different from animals, in that we make the world to suit us rather than change to suit the world. Could it be that my selfishness is really just a manifestation of human evolution now affecting my psyche?
So I suppose, that although I may have had all these profound statements over the last year of blogging (or very few for that matter) I'm not actually that deep, or not as deep as I thought I was...
I can't be arsed with blogging, but I'll probably continue to be as infrequent a blogger as I ever have in the past... I guess at least going forward I wont be clouded with misguided ideas that my posts will actually have some form of dramatic impact on those who read them.
There is no moral today, there is no deep and meaningful message to take away from this entry. Just the tired rant of a pathetically hopeless blogger.
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